Dillusional Ramblings of an Insane Girl.

08:49 pm - So

I'm really not feeling good at all lately. Depressed. Bad.

I don't understand any of this. I'm going to keep blaming it on the BC pill because nothing else makes sense. (I know it takes times to come out of your system and it hasn't even been a month. But it just sucks feeling like this.) It comes and goes. Some days I'm absolutely wonderful but then days like today I'm just so EXHAUSTED and bummed that I call off work. I don't have the energy to do anything some days.
I'm okay as long as I keep myself really busy with things but the moment I sit down I go back to being bummed.

And I don't know why the fuck I feel so damn disappointed when I look in the mirror lately or why I'm finding myself so goddamn physically unattractive anymore. It's all related, I know, but I don't understand this particularly. When I was younger I felt this way, but teens and on, I always thought I was pretty and unique looking but lately...ugh.

I just generally feel like crap.

But needless to say: I'll be the first to admit that I've been super lazy on trying to kick this. I still think this is me coming off the pill as I've read coming off of it could worsen the depression worse than it ever was when you were ON The pill. I'm in no rush to call this full blown depression and be put on some kind of other fucking meds because I've NEVER had this problem before.
So I've been trying to kick it the natural way.
Mum heard that St Johns Wort & SAMe vitamins do wonder for depression.
Trying to keep my mind straight and away from those thoughts and on positive ones(Which I suck at.)
Keeping myself busy. (I've been so lethargic and lazy lately and not pushing myself to complete things. I could so do better.)
No alcohol. Sometimes it calms me down but then again, stops me from being productive. And it's common sense that depression and alcohol aren't a good combo. Not that I'm a drunk but the rum&coke I have everyday is really unnecessary.
Exercise. (Would so make me feel better. But I can't find the desire to do it. BUT I DAMN WELL SHOULD. I've lost weight, but that's due to my lack of desire to eat, lol..)
And being alone.
I've been trying to reach out to friends more and go out and do stuff with them. I usually shy away from doing things with friends I don't know why. But going out with them does make me feel better temporarily.

And I've been on Rob's ass too.
I'm alone all day long after I get home from work. I really hate it. We've tried convincing our landlord to let us get a kitty or something, but they said no.
And then when Rob comes home he spends the time he has with me before I go to bed playing Call of Duty, lolll. Which while he is here with me, I feel like he's not with me.

And honestly, I think this is combined with the winter blues bullshit. Every time this year I get slightly sad because it's really depressing working in retail at this time of year. Well it's always depressing, but particularly around thanksgiving/christmas, lol, it's horrid how people get..

There is no reason I can give as to why I feel this way. There is no issue, the feeling is simply just there.

I read somewhere that when depression is a side effect and you've been feeling that way for a while, it's like having a broken leg. The broken leg may be fixed but 'cause you're not used to it being fixed and walking on it that it takes a little while before you're totally good again.

This entry is useless, really. XD lolll
Just keep it in your thoughts/prayers that I can fucking get rid of this. I think half of my grief is from the fear of feeling this way. I've never felt this way and it terrifies me and my pessimism keeps telling me what if this isn't BC pill related and you're permanently stuck with this feeling that I cannot explain.



Oi.
Wish me luck. This seriously sucks. XD
GONNA UP MY YAOI INTAKE STAT. Makes me happier.
On an odd side note, my libido is back? XDD (That's if you can distract me from my gloom thoughts long enough, but it is DEFINETELY back and kicking. XDD)

I'm trying to laugh at all of this. Tryingggg.

Current Mood: gloomy

10:15 pm - FRUSTRAAATIOOOOONNN.

My car is practically eating my pay check with everything I've been having to replace.

I got new glasses from the Vision Center in Walmart as well as an exam.  Never had problems with them before.
Granted, there's a different doctor there than when I had my last eye exam.

1)Eye Glasses bitch talked me into getting Anti-Reflective Coating even though I was kind of against it because of experiences with it in the past.  OH HAY GUESS WHAT I STILL HATE IT.  So I took my glasses back, and after much getting blown off by them and then going back and harassing them again and again, and they made me new lenses without the coating.  I hated the coating  It made my glasses do horrible things with light, and my eyes, OH GOSH. and they're IMPOSSIBLE to keep clean with it they scratch like a bitch, and I am a messy dirty clumsy person.

2) I got the new lenses.  Something still seems OFF.  When I'm in Walmart and reading far away signs, or even close signs, any kind of words...are unfocused.  Blurry, almost doubley vision.  I've worn glasses since the 1st grade and never had this problem.  I had the weird too strong effect of glasses when I would first get them, but not lasting like this.
So I go into the place and I can see they're not happy to see me AGAIN.
I tell them what's up, so the re-examine my eyes to check the prescription.  This time it was slightly less strong than the first, and they agreed to order me the new lenses.  FUCK.  THESE BETTER WORK BETTER.

I'm so frustrated with them, and glasses and FUCCCCK.  I just want to see clearly is all. :(

So not going to them again.  Their eye exam is a joke. Lolll. And being that my eyes are so incredibly bad, I should probably be going to a real, decent optometrist anyway.  Lesson learned okay.  Just get me glasses that don't make me feel like my eyes are gonna cross.

Current Mood: annoyed

08:49 pm - Okay, here's the wedding post. XD

It's been so crazy busy here for the last couple weeks I haven't gotten the time to do anything.

Anyhow:

Pictures:  There is so many.  I have them on my myspace account.  If you want to see them check them out there, here's the album
And hereee's some video thanks to Rob's Gram.




It was lovely really.
Everyone got along, it was wonderful!

I got up in the morning and started getting ready and whatnot.  Went up my mums and she helped me into my dress.
My dad was on his best behaviour.
I didn't trip walking down  the aisle, lol.
I only teared up a little bit but didn't bawl.  (YAY)


And at the end of the day, it was originally planned that Rob and I would go out to eat together in private.  It was then decided that since everyone was getting along so well, we'd all go together.  And it was just so nice.  Perfect day.

Perfect everything. :) So happy.
Really. It was perfeccctttoooo.

Current Mood: content

09:39 pm - This is all you get for now :D

 

I'm waiting to get the pictures from everyone hehehe. :D
I'll make a big post about it later, but it went wonderful!

I am now Mrs. Franklin! lol (Legal name changed as well we did that this morning.)
 

09:03 pm - He's really done it this time.

My wedding is Monday.  (October 5th.)


When Rob proposed to me on my 18th birthday and I said yes, my dad scoffed at us. Thought we were stupid. Thought my mom was stupid. (Rob went to her to tell her, and she gave him an heirloom ring to propose to me with, my engagement ring. It was very sweet and I love it.)
He scoffed and when we told him we were engaged he said, "No you're not."

When Rob and I moved in together in June and I began telling my Dad about our wedding plans he told me that "some people might frown upon you two living together, but I'd rather you do that than get married. You're too young," and basically made it sound like I shouldn't stick with one guy.
He helped us get this apartment. And told us we shouldn't get married.
But he told me, "Don't you dare get pregnant."
I've never had sex. Rob will be my first come our wedding night. How dare he say that like I'm a slut.

I love Rob. He's my best friend and my love.
He's the only person that I trust with my whole heart (besides my mom).
There is not even a tiny inkling in my mind that I would ever want to be with anyone else in any lifetime other than him. If he died tomorrow, I would never be with any other man. EVER.
These are not naive thoughts of a young person. He is my fucking soul mate.

I ignored my Dad. Thought maybe he didn't understand that he'd come around eventually.

So my wedding day is drawing near.
I bought my dress.
Bought everything we need.
Made my bouquet.
Planned everything with the church and the Pastor/my uncle.

I asked my Dad to walk me down the aisle. I have had problems with my Dad. But since I moved out we've gotten along better because I don't see him on a daily basis.
I am a forgiving person. He does not deserve to be forgiven but I continue to forgive him each time he breaks my heart.

I was happy that we were getting along and my father would get to walk me down the aisle.

Today while I'm at work one of my Dad's friends comes to the regiser. I tell her, "One Week to my wedding!"
She laughs and says, "I agree with your Dad..."
I go, "what?"
She says, "I agree with your Dad."
"Well what did he say?
"He told me that he'd rather you two keep living together and not get married."

........He still feels that way.
Not only that He's GOING AROUND TELLING PEOPLE THAT?
That is fucking humiliating.

I am so fucking hurt right now it's ridiculous. He's ruined everything else in my life, figures he'd ruin my wedding.

I'm trying with everything in my heart now to not let him do that, but I am so incredibly hurt. I could die.
Needless to say I am not going to have him walk me down the aisle. I can't.

I refuse to fucking stand there and put on a show, and pretend.
I refuse to make my wedding a lie. Him walking me down the aisle when he doesn't think I should be marrying Rob.

I called my pastor/uncle and he told me I should try to find it in my heart to forgive him and give him a second chance. That if I don't he will regret it and I might as well.

As much as I might someday, it definetely does not sit right with me to have him walk me down the aisle and give me away. Especially how bad he's hurt me now.


I confronted him about it. His only words were, "Well I told you how I felt before when you's moved in."
No remorse at all. Even as I stood there bawling hurt and upset.

I'm fucking done.
I love Rob and that's it

Current Mood: crushed

11:30 pm - [twitter-update]

• 21:48 is dying her roots. Exciting, no? (11 days until my wedding! :D) ... lnk.ms/0ZSbm #

10:43 am - Glenn Beck from FoxNews.

My mom loves him so much.

But I cannot stand the man.  
When I go to visit my mom it's usually around the  5PM time when his show comes on FoxNews.

You may or may not know who he is, but I've noticed him gaining more popularity. (Not sure whether it's because people actually like him or that he just kind of makes an ass out of himself.)

And she'll start lecturing me on how Obama basically = douchebag all the time.
Which I will agree I've been pretty disappointed with Obama this far, but I think I still would've rathered him versus the McCain/Palin monster that was approaching for a while...
But any time I disagree with her, she starts telling me how I'm brainwashed from the media, lolll.

I'm brainwashed? IT'S FOX NEWS.  Glenn Beck used to be on CNN but they either kicked him off/he left because they weren't as one track minded as he is.  I didn't mind him on CNN, sometimes he irked me, but since he left there for FoxNews I cannot watch the show without sitting there facepalm-ing the whole time.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.  And he could have his but it seems like anyone who DOESN'T hold his opinion is  "brainwashed."

And he speaks contradictory 100%.

This is just pretty much my little rant of RANDOM.

Because he's always there haunting my visits with my Mom.  And she feels so passionate about it all that she feels the need to start fights with me when I don't even bring it up at all.  (I calmy say, "You believe this, I believe that, I don't care that you believe what you do, so please don't heckle me." and I'm basically told that I'm brainwashed for respecting different opinions, that there is only one way.)

I love her so much but loll HIMMMM.  But still...when it's christmas/birthday and she asks for Glenn Beck books and videos I still buy them for her.  Just because I love her that much. <3

Current Mood: LEAVE MY MOM ALONE, GLENN BECK

06:32 pm - Hayao Miyazaki.

I totally forgot to update on this:
The boy took me to see Ponyo the other day. And it was fan-flipping-tastically adorable.
And beautiful. And wonderful.
Even Rob, who I know didn't want to admit it, enjoyed it, lol.
It was the first time I ever got to see a Miyazaki film in the theater, and OMG I hope I have many more chances because it was just amazingness on a giant screen. (That storm scene, omgomg.)
I seriously cannot wait for it to come out on DVD.

Having said that, Amazon.com is having a big Miyazki film sale: http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=amb_link_84968751_5?ie=UTF8&docId=1000411701&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-3&pf_rd_r=0GEYN1MKEZ3GZYFSZKZA&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=485248091&pf_rd_i=130

I got two, Spirited Away & Howl's Moving Castle.
I've seen Spirited Away, but didn't own it on DVD. (Everywhere I'd go it was $30+, and I can't justify paying that much for a DVD honestly. For the past couple years I've been watching it on a VHS where I recorded it from Cartoon Network. XD)
And I've never seen Howl's Moving Castle so I'm uber excited. Both came in today, yayayayay. :D

I wanted to order more, but I know we should be saving money for the upcoming winter months. (Don't want to even think about the strain heat is going to put on our electric bill.)
I really wanted My Neighbor Totoro and Kiki's Delivery Service, but Totoro is sold out (or they don't carry it I don't know.) and Kiki is still too expensive for me. ($24...I'm such a cheapskate it is SAD.)

Current Mood: bouncy

07:40 pm - The Vma madness, lol.

I didn't watch, but I looked for the headlines afterwards and watched the bits I wanted to. (Because MTV is a douche.)
( LJ Cut for videos and photos, and discussion. )

Current Mood: amused

12:21 pm - Rest in Peace, Patrick Swayze. Love that man!

Ghost and Dirty Dancing were wonderful and all, but To Wong Foo was always my favorite Swayze film. :D


He was an awesome dude and will be sorely missed.  

10:37 pm - I think my Rob is reading my mind.

Or just listening to my well-placed hints. XDD

The other night he came into the bedroom with his facial hair shaved into mutton chop/sideburn-y things.  Which is something he doesn't normally do but is INCREDIBLY FUCKING HOT. (There's something about sideburns.  And mutton chops. no mustaches please.  But the latter. MMMMMMM.  I've been begging him to do it forever, and he finally did. XDD)

And then he made a comment about letting his hair grow a little bit longer again.

FUCK YESSSYAAYAYAYAY. lollll.  FEMALE BONER.

Current Mood: amused

12:13 pm - I didn't expect this. XD

I've been taking my birth control for about a week now.

So far so good.  No side effects.  I mean I've only been taking it a week, but no water weight issues (YET) or weight gain. (Only been a week :/)
I take it at 9PM everyday 'cause I'm always around at that time (Supposed to take it at the exact same time everyday.)
It does upset my stomach but the directions say it might do that in the beginning.  I seriously can't even think about eating anything after I take it at 9PM. (Which is okay, I shouldn't be eating that late anyhow.)

But the one super weird thing I noticed:  My fucking sense of smell is like uber sensitive now? XDDD  WHAAAT.  No lie.  The littlest smell is like BAM SUPER STRONG.  Good and bad.  Mostly bad though. XD

  It's so strange.

Current Mood: amused

09:35 pm - My father just added me on facebook.

WTF lolllll.

Doesn't help that my profile picture is the one that I have in my livejournal user info. 
I want to die of embarassment now, roflmao.

Current Mood: LOL-ING TO DEATH.

09:26 am - I seriously don't care how silly I look, I'm wearin' 'em.

Latex gloves when I'm doing my cashier duties at Wal-Mart.

I am so goddamn sick of my hands being hideous from that place, because people are so dirty.
I get cuts/nasty-hangnails on my hands, not to mention they get dry  and crack open from touching the money, and then because of all the dirty people, they ALWAYS get infected.  ALWAYS..  So then my fingers fucking hurt, and they're red and puffy 'cause they're INFECTED, and then the same stupid customers are asking me why my hands are so red.

The one guy at work said I should wear the latex gloves that the maintenance guy wears, I'm like yeah go get me some.  He did.
It's gonna be a new thing I'm pretty sure XD
Because uh, not only did my band-aids stay on the rest of the day, but by the end of the day, you could see the scum from what I'm touching (people, money, they're gross-ass bloody chicken meat.) on the gloves.  Ew.

Co-workers were like LOL YOU GONNA DO SURGERY?? XD

I don't care  though.  I remember older ladies wearing them for that reason.  Fuck I'm going to also.

RANDOM POST OF RANDOMNESS.
NO MORE INFECTED FINGER CUTS, PLZKTHNX.

Scratch that!  A co-worker introduced me to something called LIQUID BANDAGES.  WHAT IS THIS WIZARDRY?! IT'S WONDERFUL.

Current Mood: amused

09:06 pm - WE'RE NOT HAVING A RECEPTION, NO DINNER, GET OVER IT.

Everyone who I tell about me and Rob getting married, they ask about our plans, and I tell them.
They ask if we're having a reception.  I say no.
They ask if we're having a small dinner afterward.  I say no.
And they go AAAW BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY HAVE ONE.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.
FEED YOUR OWN DAMN ASS BEFORE YOU COME TO THE WEDDING.
YOU'RE INVITED TO SEE ME AND MY SOULMATE WED, NOT TO SHOVE YOUR FUCKING FACE.
I'M NOT PAYING FOR SOME BULLSHIT DINNER SO YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR FACE FULL OF FOOD,  I DON'T CARE WHAT TRADITION SAYS.

Fucking fuck.

Our plans are, go, get married, maybe just Rob and I will go out to eat somewhere nice together, all romantic and nice, and that's that.  And come home and lose my virginity.  That's the night's plans.  That's it.

Be glad I'm inviting you at all, seriously, and to everyone else who isn't invited and still has comments, shut the hell up it's none of your goddamn business.

We don't want no shindig afterwards. Get over it. 

Current Mood: annoyed

11:17 am - I just bought a pair of blue jeans.

WHAAAAAT.

SAM DOES NOT WEAR JEANS?!  OR EVEN PANTS FOR THAT MATTER!

I don't know what inspired this phenomenal event, but... lolll I now own ONE pair of jeans.

We were walking past the rack, and I said, Oh these look nice, Rob gave me the WTF look knowing that I do not wear pants/especially-jeans, and said, "Go for it, I imagine skirts get old after a while."

I tried them on and I swear magical heavenly sparkles appeared with a choir of angels because they fit fucking perfect, rofl. (One of the reasons I do NOT even BOTHER shopping for pants/jeans...because they never fucking fit right.)

I have seriously not bought a pair of jeans since....maybe freshman year of high school?  Almost 6 years ago? XD

Current Mood: amused

01:25 pm - Hair.

I don't know if I've mentioned it here lately, but I'm trying to grow my hair out.  Long.  Looong. Like I want it halfway down my back long.
I've had my hair short for so long and I'm sick of it.   There's only so many hair styles I can do with it because it's so short.
The longest it ever was, was when I was in kindergarden and it was slightly past my shoulders and BEAUTIFUL (If I could find a picture I'll post it.)

I've been trying since probably February to get it to grow but it simply doesn't.  And when it does you can't tell because it's curly and bounces back up towards my head anyway! (And I love my curly hair, I just wish it were LONG.)

I've been reading crap on the internet, and stalking longhair and I've learned some very valuable tips.

Basically, I think my hair doesn't grow because it's so dry and unhealthy, and I torture it.
Because I've been following many of the rules from longhair and this wonderful site and I've already noticed my hair growing longer, and healthier.  The only slightly naughty thing I plan on continuing to do is dye it .(And even this I've considering stopping...but even my natural color, which used to be a strawberry blonde, isn't strawberry blonde anymore it's just BLONDE BLONDE BLONDE.  And I will hold on to being a redhead as long as I can, dye if I must, rofl.)

anyhow, that site (here) is probably the most useful source for curly haired people ever I think.  Now that girl has ethnic hair, but if you have severly curly hair, black or white, it doesn't matter it's practically the same.  I've been teased my whole life for having "black hair" because it so is. XD It's so thick, and dry, and frizztastic.
But seriously read her shit if you got curly hair. I thought it was a load of crock (her method of putting conditioner in your hair and NOT washing it out, but just leaving it to dry), but it works so well, and leaves your so soft and nice smelling, and not crusty and drying like with styling products.  I'm totally gonna pimp the Organix Hair products right now, they're wonderful.  Natural, and not sticky and slimy, and they smell so gooooood.

Rofl, I have about 8 cans of curl mousse that I had stockpiled to take back to Wal-Mart though now because I will not use them now.  Without a receipt.  They won't be pleased I know, but there return policy is you can still get store credit without a receipt. (MWAHAHAA)

Current Mood: bouncy

12:07 pm - Help feed the kitties at the animal shelter!

I posted this via my myspace, it's more or less for our local animal shelter, but in theory, it could work for your local shelter as well.

( How to donate cat food to your local animal shelter at no cost to you. An idea I had... )

Lolll.  Had to post the photo for guilt factor.  I hope it persuades some of my lazy buddies to do this.

Godddd, I wish I could adopt a kitty. :/ Some day I will live in a place that allows animals. *sigh*

Current Mood: accomplished

10:57 pm - I don't care how many goth points I lose for this.

I FUCKING LOVE LADY GAGA SO HARD.
TAKE ME AWAY WE'LL GO DANCE IN YOUR GLITTERY DISCO PALACE.

I have seriously listened to nothing BUT for the past week.

Poker Face


LADY GAGA - Just Dance


Not to mention she's so fucking literate and intelligent. (Slightly full of herself, but whatever, I can deal with that.)
Love this interview.
Pisses me off when ladies who create music/art with sexual undertones are written off as sluts.

11:05 pm - CORALINE!

One of my friends at work let me borrow Coraline.  I've wanted to see it forever, but the boy didn't want to go see it in the theatres, and I don't want to pay $25 for a DVD (the prices when things first come out are ridiculous) so she let me borrow it.

DEAR LORD.  LOVE.
BEST MOVIE I'VE SEEN IN A LONG TIME.
FANTASTIC.
PROBABLY WORTH PAYING THE $25 YOU WOULD TO BUT IT NOW.

And it came with fancy 3D glasses, which I usually don't buy into that bullshit, but this...was....cool.

so yeah.  CORALINE. <3

Current Mood: enthralled